Babe, What Do You Know About?

Parenthood

February 21, 2023 Sam and Tayla Season 2 Episode 16
Babe, What Do You Know About?
Parenthood
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Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, Sam and Tayla explore the complexities of being a parent and trying to navigate guiding little humans to being good people. They hear advice from their parents and some listeners and engage with the principles that contributed to parenting success. 

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Tayla (00:11):

Welcome to the Babe. What do you know about podcast?

Sam (00:14):

Where your hosts husband and wife duo, Sam and

Tayla (00:17):

Tayla

Sam (00:17):

Air their grievances publicly for your entertainment

Babies (00:27):

<laugh>.

Tayla (00:30):

Ow.

Tayla (00:33):

They just the cutest

Sam (00:34):

They are. Ella makes me laugh constantly.

Tayla (00:38):

Yes, yes. Because she's the funniest person in the world, obviously.

Sam (00:45):

She says the strangest things. So yeah, she started keeping notes on him.

Tayla (00:49):

Yeah. What was the thing? The other day? She was insisting that she was a crab.

Sam (00:54):

Yeah. So she was insisting she was a crab. And I didn't perfectly understand this at the time, and I could just tell she was sad. So I said, do you want a hug? And she got more upset that she didn't want a hug. And I finally clicked what she said. Said she was a crab. And so I made the little pincher

Tayla (01:14):

Hands,

Sam (01:14):

Hand motions. I said, do you want a pinching? A pinch hug? And she said, yes. And we did pinching hands and hugged at the same time. She was so happy.

Tayla (01:25):

And that made the hug acceptable. <laugh> shame. And Max, he's getting so fun. He, sadly, he has a surgery on Wednesday, but hopefully that helps him feel a lot better. Poor thing sweeties. Well, that, I thought that would be a cute introduction for our episode on par. You

Sam (01:49):

Loved it. What a good surprise.

Tayla (01:51):

So lemme do my stuff in a study by pure research in January, 2023. So very recent and in a nod to the adage about family life, that parenting is the hardest job in the world. Most parents say that being a parent has been at least somewhat harder than they expected. And about a quarter of saying that it's been a lot harder. This is especially true of mothers. 30% of whom say being a parent has been a lot harder than they expected compared with 20% of fathers saying the same. So there are wide differences in some of the ways that mothers and fathers describe their parenting style. For example, about half of mothers say they tend to be overprotective compared to 38% of fathers. And in turn, fathers are more likely than mothers to say, they tend to give their children too much freedom. Just so funny because for us, I feel like it's switched roughly as many parents say.

(02:51):

They are trying to raise their children in a similar way to how they're raised as the people that say they're trying to raise them differently. So people are doing about the same amount of each. Parents are more likely to say they feel judged by family members than by friends or other parents in their community or people they interact with. So that's where most of people's stress about judgment is coming from family. The vast majority of parents say that being a parent is enjoyable and rewarding all or most of the time. But substantial shares also find it tiring and stressful. 91% say that parenting is their greatest joy. While 73% say that parenting is also their greatest challenge, so complicated, it is also getting more and more expensive to raise children. And these higher costs may lead to many prospective parents waiting to have children or deciding not to have them at all. In 20 21, 40 4% of non-parents Childrearing age said that they were unlikely to have children someday. 54% of parents wish they had more information about how to be a better parent. And 57% of parents struggle with figuring out the most effective way to discipline. So with the hopes of providing some more of both of those things. Babe, what do you know about parenthood?

Sam (04:09):

I'm getting there. Yeah. Start. I'm starting to start. I feel like I I'm trying to get into a groove with parenting. Yeah,

Tayla (04:21):

For sure. Yeah. I mean, we have a three year old and an eight month old, so we're definitely on the earlier scale of parenting. But did you always want to be a parent? Yeah,

Sam (04:34):

I did. Yeah. I've always wanted to be a parent, always wanted kids. And it's, I, it's one of the reasons why I wanted to get married again, was I wanted to have a family and I thought you would be someone really great to have a family with. So yeah, I'm a first time dad at the age of 36.

Tayla (05:06):

Yes, yes, yes. How old you were? Just barely when Ella was born.

Sam (05:11):

<laugh>. Trying to do the math on it. Yeah. But I'm also very glad that I didn't have children until later on. I feel like I ended up with a lot more experience and patience than what kind of person I was in my early twenties. So yeah. How about you?

Tayla (05:34):

I did always want to be a parent, in fact. So I'm the second and oldest of five. We go boy, girl, boy, girl, boy. And the baby is almost 11 years younger than me. And I remember it very vividly. My mom being pregnant with him and having him and just being obsessed with him. Just love him to bits. I still do. But my mom always jokes that she had to remind me that she was the mom, not me. Cause I always wanted to take care of him or comfort him or feed him or whatever. So I always have wanted to be a parent. I think I always wanted a ton of kids too. But now that I've had a couple, it's not that I don't want a ton of kids, it's that I'm allergic to being pregnant, so I just can't physically do it. But yeah, parenthood is very complicated. How do you explain the most difficult and most rewarding thing you'll ever

Sam (06:38):

Do? I know super hard to explain. The funny thing is because I had kids later on, I was prepared in terms of everyone I knew had kids. I've got nieces and nephews everyone gave me their experiences. And even after all that, hearing it for decades and I thought in my mind, I've got this easy under control. I understand it's hard, but then there's one thing about knowing it's going to be difficult and then actually experiencing it. And for me, the hardest part you is actually just the loss of Tom. So it's literally your timem is gone. And I was so used to having Tom. So in terms of dealing with the complexity and the difficulties, I feel like I do a pretty good job.

Tayla (07:33):

But being able to recharge is not,

Sam (07:35):

But no, yeah, you don't have that a moment to yourself just to do the life that you want to live because it's gone now.

Tayla (07:46):

Yeah, it just takes the way I think about it because my mom, she always says this, your kids fit into your life, not the other way around. That's obviously easier said than done, but you for sure can still do things you want to do. Everything just takes a lot more effort though, and a lot more time and a lot more planning, and it could just go to crap really quickly.

Sam (08:07):

So we've taken Ella to Hawaii twice. We've gone to Florida once, Texas. So it's like we've been able to fit in travel. We tried have go-to activities with us and do things, and we try to do enjoyable things close by that we want to do with her. But it's still,

Tayla (08:28):

It just takes a l lot more. And when we've taken her on holidays especially, it hasn't been really a vacation. It's been a great, amazing family trip. So I don't regret it and I love it. But yeah, I wouldn't say that I was able to rest and recharge.

Sam (08:43):

Not really. You just kind of parents in a different place.

Tayla (08:47):

So it's better in some ways and more difficult in some

Sam (08:50):

Ways. It spents a bunch of money to put her on her plane for a bunch of hours. That was hard for her. And then

Tayla (08:57):

She does pretty well.

Sam (08:59):

But still,

Tayla (09:00):

But still.

Sam (09:02):

So going back to the, how do you explain something that's so difficult but so rewarding? It really is rewarding. I've been able to do a lot of things that I'm just dreamt of doing and accomplishing, and that feels very rewarding and makes you happy. But there's something about having children that just feels like a deeper fulfillment. It's hard to explain. I love just watching Ella be, and we were talking about earlier, she's hilarious and just her little quirks and then you'll see yourself in her or you'll see your wife in her and so scary. So it's a, it's nice that there's some sense of, I don't know, I guess the words just fulfilled aga again, and there's a lot of fun along the way. But for me, on the difficulty side, the, it's just the loss of timem. That's been rough.

Tayla (10:07):

I made a post on Mother's Day last year, right before we had Max, a month before we had Max. And it was this quote that I just feel like did kind of sum up. It was motherhood obviously, but I, I'll change it too. So it says, parenthood is the exquisite inconvenience of being another person's everything. And that's just kind of so true of my experience where you're like, wow, it can be so inconvenient for you to be a little person's, literally their whole world and everything that they hope or need or fearful or want. It's really inconvenient, but it's also the most pure exquisite thing. And I just love it and also get tired from it.

Sam (11:01):

So obviously we feel pretty much done after two. And just for me, I can't imagine just the complexity of trying to have more kids right now and yeah, the way our lives are

Tayla (11:18):

Props to people who have a ton of kids. My respect for my parents and your parents, I'm from one of five year, one of four boys. It just goes up. Just knowing that, how they've figured out how to navigate this stuff. That actually brings me to one of the voicemails from one of our listeners. Okay. Yeah. This voicemail is from someone who chose to remain anonymous.

Sam (11:48):

Oh,

Anonymous (11:50):

Hey guys. I have two things that I wanted to. One is that being a parent myself and having had less and perfect moments, I have a lot more forgiveness in my heart for the times when my parents were struggling and when I thought that they could have done better. I now know that they were just people. Being parents and being a parent is really hard. The other thing that I wanted to say is that I feel really grateful for all of the information that I have at my fingertips. I feel like my transition into parenthood was made so much easier by access to information about sleep and baby eating and how to control my own emotions and what is normal for a child. And all of those things made parenthood a lot easier for me. And I know that my own mother and grandmother have expressed that they wish that they knew what, I know there is science out there about babies and children now, and they wish that they had access to that. So just generally, I feel really grateful to be a parent at this time.

Sam (12:55):

Well, I really like those comments. And I was actually just thinking about this the other day too how I Google everything. So truly

Tayla (13:07):

Everything.

Sam (13:09):

So when Max a running joke, when Max is sick and had symptoms, sometimes Tayla ask, Hey, should we take him to the doctor? Or what do you think of this? I'm like, I don't know, but

Tayla (13:19):

Let's

Sam (13:19):

Google it. Let's Google it really quick and we can go through it's, or I was thinking the other day, max did a certain thing, I don't know if he pulled himself up standing or something. I was like, huh, is he supposed be

Tayla (13:28):

Doing, is that

Sam (13:28):

Early? Yeah. Is he, is he supposed to be doing that yet or is he behind it? So I'll google it and then I'll read a bunch of different papers and Oh, okay, interesting. And then you go down a rabbit hole and be like, oh, he's supposed to be this thing and that thing and blah, blah, blah. So yeah, I absolutely feel like we have got so much advantage if we're willing to take it in terms of making our parenting a little bit less in the doc, which I'm sure probably produce so much anxiety for people to not actually know what's happening.

Tayla (13:57):

Just especially if you're wondering about something in the middle of the night or over the weekend or whatever. Yeah, no, I totally agree. The fact that I can literally consult actual experts on different things to do everything that I need to a baby sleep expert to help me figure out baby sleep. So this isn't just parenting advice. These are people who have evidence-based studies and all this stuff, or actual pediatricians or potty training experts. Yeah. I can literally have all of that at my fingertips. And that definitely has, I trust them very well and I vet them. You not only do you have that, but you could have so many options of those experts that you could go with. And so I appreciate that because every time I feel like if I to just make my own potty training plan or my own sleep training plan or whatever, I would constantly second guess it. But because I know it's by an expert, I go with the plan. And it's literally worked every time.

Sam (15:03):

And also all the apps. So all the apps, so we, we've got an app what's the baby one called?

Tayla (15:09):

It's called Baby tracker.

Sam (15:10):

There we go, baby tracker. So I still use that unbeknownst to Tayla, because I actually still use it to look at the trending sleep or trending poop or something like that. Because when I'm watching the kids by myself, sometimes I won't be like, I wonder is Max, when's the last time? Yeah, is Max. So I'll go into the data and be like, what's the last two weeks when he fell asleep at this time? He woke up at this time, and then two and a half hours later he went down for another nap. So I go, all right, so he's going to go down for a nap in 45 minutes. No. So yeah, I use it for that. And obviously to get the data you got to plug it in. Yeah. Which is, I'm not as good at where,

Tayla (15:53):

But it's true. You can sync that information between the two of us or between child carers and track medicine, or which side I lost breastfed on or whatever. So there's so many tools as well. Something that person said that I really liked was that she mentioned that she has a lot more grace for her parents. Yes. Having experienced it, and I joke about this all the time, but always, especially right after I had Ella, our first, I would always say like, oh my gosh, I'm so nice to my mom right now all the time. Because it's truly only when you become a parent that you realize how much your parents did for you, but especially your mom, just to grow you and get you here and push you out and keep you alive before the parenting even happens. You just have no idea. So yes, my gratitude for my mom and my parents both just quadrupled out the wazoo and then when they haven't missed, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm like, this is probably how they were feeling when I came home with this specific issue. They were probably looking at each other with the same wide eyes that sometimes me and you look at each other with when we have a new thing happening. So

Sam (17:15):

Yeah, I can't tell you how many times to the Austen and I go,

Tayla (17:19):

<laugh> Google.

Sam (17:20):

Yeah.

Tayla (17:22):

So really love that thought. And something that I decided to do for this episode was to just get a little bit of thoughts or advice from our parents, because our parents are amazing. Who do you want to do first? So I just have from your dad, your mom and my mom.

Sam (17:42):

No, know your dad?

Tayla (17:44):

No, he, he's in London and busy. All right. So I didn't get it. I'll have to get

Sam (17:48):

It later next time. Yeah, next term on, babe, what do you know about? So let's do one of my parents first since, yeah. All right. You choose. Just go with my dad. Dad, let's do what it is. Let's do it. I haven't heard these, so. Oh, yeah, yeah. I recorded them. Yeah. So

Donald (18:07):

You want me to talk about parenting and parenting is something you do when you have children. Sometimes you do it with other people's children. Parenting is not isolated to just your own children. I think consistency is the foundation. If you say one thing is right and then you don't follow it yourself, then you're inconsistent and it undermines your relationship with whether it's your own child or your grandchild or someone that you're associated with. I think that that is very important. The other thing is everyone is different. There's no two people that are the same. And it's the same with children. And children change as they get older. They go through different stages, they have different challenges, and one's got to be prepared to adjust with the child and the child's needs with the other person's needs. Child is not a good word. My assessment of people is that the little babies arrive as adult spirits. They just got little bodies. And if one realizes that you probably had a friendship with them before you were born, and the feeling of knowing that people that you associate with are probably people that you have known before or who that you may have been very good friends impacts your relationship with him, and especially children who come into your life as these little tiny babies so helpless. And

(19:58):

As they grow older, you realize that they have minds of their owns, they have characters, they have ways of communicating and dealing with things. So it's respecting them. That's is a critical thing. Children are very interesting because it's a whole new ballgame. It's not the same as when the

(20:26):

Children in your life are grown. They no longer living at home. They have their own lives, their own values. You've got to respect them and give them space to be themselves. Yet you've got to continually be the person that they expect you to be, because that's part of their foundation as an individual. They don't need you to suddenly feel that you are now liberated and you can go and do things that you told them not to do. You've got to be consistent. That consistency is, I think, a foundation of the long-term parenting relationship. It's not, doesn't just come and go. It lasts forever. You will always be a parent.

Tayla (21:16):

Some wise words from Mr. Wilson

Sam (21:19):

<laugh>, a lot of wisdom there.

Tayla (21:21):

Yeah, A lot to unpack.

Sam (21:22):

Lots to unpack. So Don, want me to comment on it or do you want to

Tayla (21:26):

Yes. Well, first of all, I just love that Ella's little squeaky high pitched voices in the background of that <laugh> just made me laugh.

Sam (21:34):

Yeah, I think I probably was brushing her teeth or something. That's

Tayla (21:36):

Exactly what was happening at that time. Yeah.

Sam (21:40):

Okay. Yeah. So I like to talk about there. So one of the things that I've always mentioned to other people when asked about your parents or how I was parenting, or what was it like growing up? I always talk about just how my parents treated us boys. We were adults.

Tayla (22:01):

Yeah. You know, have said that

Sam (22:05):

For my dad, it comes from that belief and that perspective that in the LDS faith that you, before living on earth, you were living as a spirit. In a spirit world.

Tayla (22:19):

You've had an identity and systems before.

Sam (22:22):

So through that perspective that we are those adults, spirits inside children and little bodies, little bodies, and help them get to adulthood and get to express themselves. He always talked about how he's, he sees himself more like a coach and a friend rather than this authoritative figure. But at the same time, my parents were very strong on discipline and rules and expectations. So it wasn't hippies or

Tayla (22:56):

Anything. No. He speaks a lot about consistency, and I think that's so key with parenting

Sam (23:01):

Very consistent. They were very, very consistent and they both were always on the same page. So yeah, I feel like I got really good parenting. So it set me up in terms of that whole treating adults thing. It really set me up to feel like I could accomplish anything. When you're a kid and your parents have so much faith in you and trust in you, and hey, you can do anything and blah, blah, blah. It really did feel like we had a lot of responsibility when we were young and we weren't ever told it was bad to challenge adults. So obviously there's been respectful, but at the same time, there wasn't, I don't know if there used to be this funny dynamic in South Africa with parents and children that there was even a commercial. I remember being run on tv. That's it. That was this whole social change advertisement basically that that's admit the messaging was that children should be seen and heard because there used to be a phrase where children should

Tayla (24:12):

Be seen and not heard. Yeah,

Sam (24:14):

Yeah. Something like that. So it was kind of an interesting time to grow up.

Tayla (24:20):

Your dad also talks about respect and I think consistency and respect what great pillars for parenthood, because the consistency, especially at our stage, these formative first five years are so critical. And the moment you aren't consistent with what you've said or the expectations you've laid out, it confuses them as it should. But if you're consistent, then even if they don't like what they're being told or they don't the direction things are going, they understand it and it makes sense and they can function within that consistency. And then on top of that, making sure that's coupled with respect where you're, just because you're a child doesn't mean that your feelings don't matter as much or they're not as valid, even if it is pretty silly for you to be screamy and crying about the doll not lying in the bed this exact specific way, it doesn't make those feelings invalid. And that's something that my parents were such great parents, but they're obviously raised in a very traditional way too. And they are, they're figuring out what they were doing too. And I did feel like growing up as was, I think per the norm, if they felt I was crying for a reason, then you know, hear like, well, I'll give you a reason to cry. You know what I mean? I'll

Sam (25:51):

Give you a reason to

Tayla (25:52):

Cry. And it was always a threat. It was more just a way for them to cope with probably how freaking exhausting it can be to constantly hear crying but it doesn't actually help anything. So to respect the child, it doesn't mean that it's okay to throw tantrums or anything, but to just kind of reassure them. It's okay to be upset about things sometimes, or it's okay to be mad. It's not okay to throw things or to hit people, but just validating those feelings, even if they don't matter to you, just teaching that empathy. So respect and consistency. Perfect.

Sam (26:32):

Yeah. Funny enough, I feel like I'm using this phrase so often right now with Ella, when she's having attention, we screaming or crying. So I go woke up to her and be like, I hear you. I hear you. What's up? And then for some reason, it just gets her to be like, oh, I don't know. It just just changes whatever thing she's stuck in. And then she starts to explain herself. And it seems to, that phrasing for some reason seems to be working right now.

Tayla (26:57):

And mirroring that messaging with when she's really mad, I'm like, oh, that's really hard, or that's really sad. Yeah, I just validating that. Yeah, that makes me sad sometimes too. It just humanizes them. And I do find that her tantrums lost less long if she's actually validated through them, rather than me trying to get her to stop.

Sam (27:29):

Yeah.

Tayla (27:30):

So yeah, I really love what your dad said. He's a very wise man, and he's very thoughtful about everything he does. And I know that especially as you became an adult and he raised you through teenage years, specifically that willingness that he had to just talk to you about things. And

Sam (27:48):

Yeah, so he dealt, he dealt in the currency of trust as in I was given trust first. And as long as I never broke that trust, I wasn't given a curfew. And as long as I kept making good decisions,

Tayla (28:06):

Few wise

Sam (28:07):

<laugh> being a crazy teenager, within reason I kept being given trust and space. And honestly, it worked out for the best. So I like staying out and hang out with friends. So as long as I just didn't do dumb things, then I could keep doing that.

Tayla (28:21):

Yeah, I love that. Well, let's get some thoughts from my mom. Ooh.

Janene (28:28):

When I was first a mom, someone told me to trust my instincts as you have mother's intuition. And I think that's a very wise thing to do, because at the end of the day, you really do know what to do. You just got to trust and trust those instincts that come.

Tayla (28:47):

So really simple advice, but so sound. And my mom was particularly good at this. She always got, and she would always try to explain it to me because I would get so annoyed <laugh> when she would say, no, I just have a feeling like you shouldn't do this or go here or whatever. And she would try to explain it. But as an adult, I do feel often our primitive bodies can just tell or feel things that our brains maybe don't really understand. And I do feel like parents and mothers have that intuition or a level of it, especially if you're paying attention to it, of just what is your gut telling you? And there's usually a reason behind it.

(29:32):

I remember my first experience really being like, ah, I need to listen to that. I need to, Ella was three or four days old, and we had to take her in to get her bilirubin tested because she had a little bit of jaundice, and this was the second time we'd had to go in. And the first time we'd gone in, they had put this little heating pack on her tiny little heel, and it made the whole thing so much easier because it warmed up the blood. She didn't feel the pain as much, she hardly, she just had let out a little squeak, and then they were able to get the blood really quickly right away, and it was no big deal. And I remember the next time we went to go get it tested again I noticed she wasn't preparing Ella the same way. And I remember saying, Hey, are you going to use a heat pack? She's like, oh, we only use heat packs for blah, blah, blah, whatever explanation. And I just, in my brain, I was like, I should just tell her to just do it anyway. But I always like to try and trust people and leave professionals to do what they do. And so I didn't say anything, especially

Sam (30:44):

Being a first time parent, right? Yeah. So you kind of just, okay, the doctors

Tayla (30:48):

Know what they're doing. Well, they must know. Yeah, they must know. And so I didn't say anything, even though I was like, ah, I just feel like that's going to make things a lot easier. And it was horrible because she had to pin prick her on her heel, and she was devastated and she was shoving, she was trying to literally squeeze out blood because her foot, it was in the middle of winter and her foot was so cold and the blood wasn't flowing. And that ended up actually, what is the term? Coagulating like? Yeah, it stopped bleeding. So she had to prick her again and try and it was just horrible. And I remember obviously you're just getting to know that brand new tiny baby. And so it's painful to hear them cry like that. And I remember thinking, I don't even care whose feathers I ruffle. I'm not going to not say something again, if I feel, especially when it comes to my kids' wellbeing and their pain or whatever, I am just going to, oh, well, if I annoy someone too bad, I just know that this is going to work better and I need to speak up.

Sam (31:47):

Yeah. Funny enough. But when we had Max, we did speak up, the whole ordeal of him going to the NICU and stuff, we were definitely on top of it that time just because of

Tayla (31:58):

That experience. Yeah. And so I think that's really amazing advice is because you can do all the reading and it is helpful. I'm not saying don't go do research or do those things, but you can do all the reading and not everyone's advice or data or whatever is going to be the same. So ultimately when it comes down to it is think about the love that you have for your child and trust that because you have their best interest at heart, truly for the most part, you can really trust what your gut is telling you to do or what is the best to do. And if you don't feel stable in that, then it's a good time to reach out to people that also love your children or trust that you trust for guidance and advice.

Sam (32:46):

Yeah. No, I think that's great advice, especially because like you were saying, there's so often our subconscious has figured something out or have noticed something, and we just hasn't processed it yet and haven't put all the connected, all the dots. And so you've got this intuition, you've got this feeling, and you're like, Ugh, I don't know why exactly. It's just yet. So yeah, it is sometimes really good to just do it. Just follow it.

Tayla (33:13):

Yeah. And my mom always said looking in the past, she's only ever regretted not listening to that gut instinct, even if her gut instinct turned out to be wrong, she hasn't regretted listening to it. So it's kind of one of those things where you're like, what will you regret more? Listening to it and being wrong or not listening to it and being wrong.

Sam (33:38):

So yeah, makes a lot of sense.

Tayla (33:40):

All right, let's get some of your mom in here.

Stella (33:45):

Well, I have enjoyed parenting my four boys. And I think one of the things that have been most helpful is to develop their strengths, their talents, and their interests. I remember getting the advice from another parent to keep your boys busy so they won't have any time to get into mischief or into trouble. And so each of my sons were encouraged to take up several different interests and hobbies, and that included things. I know karate, swimming, tennis speech, going to the beach, or especially with Sam, he loved anything that was to do with a ball.

(34:41):

So because I think the kids were just so busy doing their own thing and enjoying what they were doing, I had very little trouble with very, almost no trouble with them as far as getting into things that they shouldn't be doing. I think one of the most important things about parenting is that both mom and dad need to be on the same page with each other regarding the parenting styles for the children, but also allowing for the fact that each child is individual. So it's important that one talk about and communicate the observation of each child and try to adapt to each child's personality. So we came across as a united front. Children never went behind our backs to try and manipulate the one against the other. They knew that we were united. And I think that gave stability and consistency and knowing that we had already had a plan and that it would work.

Tayla (36:06):

What a wise woman.

Sam (36:08):

So I was just thinking back to all that all the stuff I did growing up. I mean, there was piano lessons and soccer and cricket and rugby and field hockey and VO and volleyball and going to the beach and karate and oh my goodness. And skateboarding and basketball and I mean, there's just tennis. Wow. And quiet. I literally could such, I'd probably name another 10 things now, two I to know that it was just to make sure I didn't get into <laugh> trouble. No, I always felt like my parents were so supportive of whatever I wanted to do. So

Tayla (36:51):

It's a double. Yeah, it's like in inception because that's great. Not only did it keep you out of trouble, but it also made you feel so empowered and supported.

Sam (36:59):

And I loved playing so many different sports. I loved it. So I was always involved doing at least a few things every week. But she did say the whole united front thing. So that was something I said earlier, which was, I remember there was never an opportunity to complain to mom and get a different answer by going to complain to dad. That was never ever a thing. So that whole consistency thing. And so realizing that they had done that with a lot of planning and a lot of in intention definitely makes me feel like I could brush up a little bit more in terms of making sure that me and you are intentional the whole time. It's not that we aren't on the same page because we talked

Tayla (37:44):

About it, but anytime she goes from one to the other, we

Sam (37:47):

<laugh> know, alright, we're in, let's go. And if I don't dunno what mama said, I say, let's, what did mom say? Yeah, what did Mom said, let's go talk let's to mom. It's not like I'm going to trust you. What you tell me about Mom said, let's go talk to mom. And then she knows that she knows that we're going to go check with mom. There's no difference answer. Yeah,

Tayla (38:07):

No, I think my appearance for the most part were the same as well. And it was helpful because as she said, you don't encourage shenanigans or teach them manipulative tactics so young. But it also does provide a stability on, it's not just mom being mom, it's truly these two people who really love me and care for me are in agreement about this decision for my wellbeing. So it can help you maybe be a little more introspective as a child as to, I mean, probably not, but maybe down the road, right? Yeah. You don't deal with the same kind of frustrations. And something else that she said was she spoke about having that consistent open dialogue with each other about each child, not only how they're so different from each other, but how they change as they grow. And that's something I'm just starting to get glimpses of because Max and Ella are so different.

Sam (39:07):

So different, but

Tayla (39:09):

Similar little quirks, you know what I mean? But we definitely won't struggle with the same things between the two of them and they won't have the same strengths either. And so not only do we have to keep an open dialogue about each of them, but also they're at different places developmentally and aunt. So you just have to constantly be talking, whether your husband and wife or wife and wife or husband and husband or even co-parenting or stepparents. You have to be, and it's so much easier said than done. I've never co-parented with an ex partner before. I imagine that's super difficult. But if you care about your child the way that parents do, I think you have to be willing to put away sides to just try and unite on what is truly best for your child and what to do when you disagree. So maybe that's something to talk about because what do you think?

Sam (40:11):

So

Tayla (40:12):

When parents truly disagree on what is best for their child,

Sam (40:16):

So how to handle

Tayla (40:17):

That.

Sam (40:17):

I was actually thinking about this a little bit just a minute ago. I was just thinking how there's those times where you're doing a parenting a certain way and I come in there, I dunno the situation, and I'm like, well, what hell, I don't,

Tayla (40:36):

Odd behavior, I

Sam (40:37):

Don't agree with what Tayla, whatever Tayla's doing right now, I'm not on that page, but I don't creates a disagreement in front of Ella right then, or not Max. Cause Max is eight months old. But with Ella, I don't go and be like, what are you doing? I, I'd let you play out to find out from you what's going on, and then try help the situation with whatever you're doing. And then if I have a problem with it, or I don't think that was the right way to do it, it's like, okay, now that we're done, now that Ella's taken care of and we've gone, then me and you then just have a discussion like, Hey, what was going on? Why this? And then a lot of times you're like, oh, I've got some more backstory from this. That's why Tayla was doing this. Or I can then say, Hey, next time, let's try this that. So I feel like for me, that's how it should be done. And you shouldn't undermine the parent in front of the child with some sort of, don't reprimand the other parent at that point. Unless of course it's an extreme situation,

Tayla (41:35):

An extreme,

Sam (41:36):

And you're harming the child. But

Tayla (41:37):

Yeah, if there's a abuse that they're seeing or behavior that's not acceptable, then I think if you as the adult have gone to that point, then you deserve to be that children deserve to see how you should react when people are being that way. But I would say that for the most part, that's not the case.

Sam (41:54):

And I think the undermining would be, let's just say I'm overreacting and I've gotten more angry than I should, and I've raised my voice and I'm yelling at the child. I think it's worse in the long run for you to come in and undermine me, rather than just be like, oh, hey, you know, kind of try, don't come in and start yelling at the Ella too, but maybe come out and neutralize the situation instead of reprimanding the other parents right there. And then I feel like, yeah, it does more damage to undermine the other parent rather than just having, okay, well dad yelled or something like that.

Tayla (42:36):

Yeah. So something that these experts, what something I've learned is they say when you're dealing with a difficult situation with other parents, or even just with your child and your toddlers especially to instead of fixing or coaching people through a situation that you disagree with or that isn't going as well to narrate what's going on or almost be in a sports announcer. So instead of coming in and being like, dude, why are you yelling? Or Hey, it's not okay to yell or whatever, you come in and say, it seems like everyone's having a really hard time here. Dad is feeling angry, his voice is getting loud, and Ella is crying and her voice is getting loud. I wonder what we should do. You don't say, this is what we're going to do. You just kind of almost prompt by

Sam (43:32):

Neutralize the situation.

Tayla (43:33):

Exactly. Yeah. And I think that that can help because you do, I think often if you're a parent, you're going to be having a hard time where you're not at your best. That's going to happen for sure. So getting help and support from your partner in those moments is going to be a lot more helpful than feeling judged for it and not being able to really talk about it. So I think that undermining will just contribute to that shame and judgment instead of allowing you to understand, I've been there just giving each other the benefit by also, but also being able to step in when you have clearly the bandwidth or haven't been in the situation long enough to be frustrated to help out.

Sam (44:23):

I think after all the comments that we've heard from my parents, I think for me the biggest take, obviously there's so much good, is to be intentional and not just to let the kids dictate things and not just figure it out as you go along, because there will be some of that, but the more intentional you can be, the better prepared you will be for situations. And I think the more resources you can maybe have ready in those situations.

Tayla (44:54):

Yeah, I love that. And one thing that I also have loved to learn about as a parent, and it's ironic that we're recording this today because I've just had a really rough parenting day, to be honest. I've just really, for whatever reason, just struggled. I wouldn't say short fuse cause it's not really necessarily just anger, but not a lot of bandwidth to cope with situations the way that I would've wanted to. So it's just ironic, I'm feeling like that parent guilt or whatever. But something that I have loved to remind myself is that as a parent, you're a model for behavior that you are teaching your kids. And this goes back to what your dad was saying about consistency, is that if you don't want your child to try and calm a situation down by yelling, then you can't try to calm a situation down by yelling or if your child you expect them to apologize when they've done something wrong or haven't reacted the way that you've wanted to, then you as a parent need to model that for them.

(46:11):

And so that's something that I have tried working on is when I do kind of lose my crap or just I'm a lot shorter than I would want to be to own up to it and say, I am really sorry. We always talk, mom was feeling angry, and it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to yell. And I did, and I'm really sorry and I'm going to work really hard because how is she going to learn how to repair from making those mistakes or getting to those points if she never sees how to do it? So that's almost comforting in a way because obviously it means that you don't have to be perfect because you can't be but you can use those moments of imperfection actually for their benefit if you're willing to hold yourself to the same standard as you hold them too, by expecting them to be sorry and apologize and repair and own up to mistakes and improve from there. And then the other thing is just like, it's literally never going to help a situation to be short or to be or to yell. Yeah,

Sam (47:14):

It's

Tayla (47:14):

Very true. How would it ever help someone to, how would it ever help someone to regulate or to calm down, especially toddlers. And so same with hitting kids, and obviously I'm just going to try leave judgment out of this episode. So definitely not saying anything, but for me, if I don't want my children to solve problems by hitting people, then I can't try to solve problems with my children by hitting them because it's just so confusing. And so just, well, however you want them to solve problems or to get through things like you need to model for them as a parent.

Sam (47:49):

Yeah. No, I totally agree with that. It's kind of crazy to realize just how observant children are. Like Ella's just stupid observant in, she's picking up words and phrases and

Tayla (48:01):

Manner tonight. She even said, what's Sam doing <laugh>, because she heard me talking about you by name. Yeah.

Sam (48:07):

And she'll say things like the way I've been saying things to her bricky brick or doggy dog or Maxi Max.

Tayla (48:16):

Yeah, that's like a you thing that she's started.

Sam (48:18):

Yeah, now she does that. Yeah. And she'll say it for other things, but with the same

Tayla (48:24):

Cadence.

Sam (48:25):

Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. So it definitely is the most important thing is your kids are going to model their behavior after you. And so even if we are trying to create certain behaviors in her, literally just going to be who she's going to be at the end of the day. True. And she will model her behavior after things after us. Yeah, after us. Yeah.

Tayla (48:50):

I think we have one more voicemail by a listener named Brandon to listen to

Sam (48:57):

Brand.

Brandon (49:00):

My thoughts on Parenthood after having a couple of my own, one thing I listened to a while back on somebody who posted a reel, he had said, there are thousands of different books on parenthood out there, and none of them seem to be on the same page, which tells you one thing that nobody knows what the hell they're doing, and we're all just winging it along the way. So best thing to do is go off of your own intuition and your own instinct and hope for the best. Hang on to your deceit of your pants.

Tayla (49:39):

Yeah,

Sam (49:40):

It's so true though. It actually is, you're saying kind of what your mom was saying, right? Yeah. That mother's intuition. So it's true, we, we've talked a lot about the apps and the research that you can do, but at the end of the day, there's so many different variables at play that you do have to still trust your instincts at the end of the day.

Tayla (50:04):

It's really hard to balance those ideas though, where you as a parent, you need to be so intentional, but also be willing to be flexible based on just your primitive gut feeling. So balancing those I think is the trick. And certainly I feel like with practice that improves, that balance improves. And that's why with practice as a parent, you get to be a better parent

Sam (50:32):

With. Yeah, I mean, there's so many things that I thought I'd just do and be as a parent. And there's so many times that I've been like, man, I am really frustrated right now. I'm not going to show any of it until I'm by myself. But then when I'm with Tayla, it's like, I'm so tired right now, so tired. I'm so tired right now. And you're just, I'm just going to go lie down for I'm done. My day is over, it's eight 30 and I'm done. I'm going to bed.

Tayla (51:01):

Yeah. There's so many things about parenthood that we haven't even talked about. We haven't even talked about postpartum. We haven't talked about roles and responsibilities, balancing that between parents. We haven't talked about identity changes that happen from your pre-child life to post child life, well, child life. Because as your dad said, you were never not a parent after that point. But I guess, well, did you have any last thoughts before I,

Sam (51:39):

I do actually have some last thoughts. I was just talk, I'll mention a story at work to my brothers or Conrad or whatever, and I'm, they're like, yeah, I mean, that could be hard. It gets harder. And I'm like, what? So why

Tayla (51:56):

Would you share that with me? Wait

Sam (51:57):

Till you have teenagers. And then, oh my gosh. And then my dad's

Tayla (52:00):

Parents are so terrible about saying

Sam (52:01):

That. And then my dad's like, wait till they're adults. They're

Tayla (52:04):

Adult children.

Sam (52:06):

Isn't this supposed to get easier? So I'll be honest, for me, it has gotten easier and I, I'm loving enjoying as she gets older and I'm enjoying, as max gets older it, and for me it's beginning, it is getting easier, but maybe there's, it gets easier until a certain stage and then it gets harder again. I don't know. But for me, the hardest time to be a parent was literally the first six months, especially the first month, your baby's floppy and you don't hold it right. You're going to kill it. And it can't do anything on its own a concert. It can't look at you, can't smile, can't do anything. It poops his pants. That for me was so hard now that Max is so funny to me now that Max is look at me in the face and he's smiling and I can tell him jokes and make funny noises and he gets all excited and he grunts at me or he calls me Mom. <laugh>, love it. It's one of my favorite things is watching him scoot around on his butt because he won't crawl is amazing. So I love all these stages the older they get but maybe they're in for something that I'm just not expecting. I think that maybe that's a lot of parents I'm trying to tell you is like, yeah, there's a lot of things in a lot of books, but you don't know the curve walls that you're going to get thrown.

Tayla (53:17):

Yeah, it's hard. And it's so funny, every time you're those first, that first month, those first six months are so hard in my brain. I'm have pushed out the baby and I'm, I'm bleeding and I'm physically beating the baby at night. I'm like, yeah, it is kind of hard. But it is hard, especially because you were so supportive during that time. You literally would get up just to be up with me when I was born, just to solidarity

Sam (53:43):

Team teamwork. That's makes the dream work. So yeah, no, there's lack of sleep.

Tayla (53:48):

But for me, I can deal with physical needs, survival needs maybe a lot more than I can deal with emotional needs. And maybe that's, it says a lot about me though. Maybe this is something I need to process in therapy or something. But as Ellie gets older, it's not that she's more difficult for me, but it is easier for me to, if she's crying or has hurt herself, to be like, ah, and step in and help. Whereas helping her emotionally regulate where I'm just like, if you will not let me help you, I can't help you. And I'm getting really frustrated about it because you can't even just tell me what's wrong. So I feel like parenting can get more difficult depending on where your strengths are what you're more practiced at regulating and working through, but also probably depending on the kid preferences. So perhaps, perhaps parenthood does get hotter for us, or perhaps that's where we shine, who knows? But who knows? The point of it is like it's the best. Yeah, it is. And that's kind of where I wanted to land is I, I'd love to know what your favorite part of being a parent has been. That's really hard to articulate, I think. But parenting is so challenging and so selfless. But yeah, again, it's just kind of getting into that realm of trying to explain this. But

Sam (55:19):

I love coming home after work and I am immediately the Ella's happy to see me, or she's hiding, hiding. Go seek. This is her thing right now, but within a minute she's wants to hug and tell me about her day and chatty. And she's just so happy to see me and I'm so happy to see her. Love it. And same with Max, when I'll get up with him in the morning or something, and he's so happy to be alive. So happy to be alive. So he's just ready to go. And so I'm harvest asleep, but you take him to the lounge or whatever, and then he's just me. Let me play, let me smack you and yeah, <laugh>, grab your face or whatever. And he's just so, so happy. He's like the happiest baby ever. And I love that. Those are my favorite moments right now. It definitely makes it for me, makes parenting in those windows so much easier.

Tayla (56:17):

Yeah. I think my favorite part of parenting is obviously them. They are my favorite people in the world more than you, anyone. And there's a primitive side to that. Obviously you are like the three of you are my favorite people in the whole world, so I don't want you to be sad about that. But I love them more than I've loved anybody. It's the only people in this world that I think I will truly love unconditionally. Even our relationship is conditional. Yeah. Upon.

Sam (57:00):

Yeah. We've talked about this basically your kids, you love unconditionally, but your partners can still do things where you're like, okay, well don't a terrible person.

Tayla (57:09):

Yeah, exactly. And if you were to be a terrible person, I could stop loving you. But it doesn't matter what they do. It doesn't mean I'll support them and condone terrible behavior, but I will never stop loving them the way that I do. And I think maybe that's my favorite part about parenthood is because I love the person that they have made me become. And that's a person who sacrifices and puts them first and constantly learns how to make decisions truly for the benefit of other people and put myself next.

(57:55):

But also balancing that with being able to really look at myself and work on myself too, so that I'm the best for them. So yeah, besides just them being my favorite, it's so funny. I'm like emotional, whatever. We're crying, it's fine. But I really do love who they have made me be because I am a better person the moment I had Ella and every moment since I have and will sacrifice whatever I need to make sure that they're safe, that they're healthy and that they're happy and that's beautiful. And I don't know how else I would really learn it to the extent that I have. And I, I'm so grateful to my parents because you only really realize how much you are loved when you loved someone else that same way. So because I love my kids so much, I just realize, wow, I am so loved by my parents. They love me the same way that I love my kids. It's just a beautiful cycle of humanity, I think.

Sam (59:00):

Yeah. Amen to them. Thank you for listening to

Tayla (59:09):

Babe. What do you know about,

Sam (59:12):

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